My two older sons are at an age where many of their friends are starting to get married. Looking back, I realise now that when I first got married, I was too young and didn’t yet have the life experience or knowledge I needed. At the time, our community considered living together before marriage unacceptable.

After going through the pain of divorce, I reflected deeply on love and marriage, reading extensively and studying the subject thoroughly. I am grateful for second chances in love and life. As a wife and mother, I often reflect on the key lessons I want to pass down to my sons.

Soulmates Are Made, Not Found

When I was young, I believed that there was a perfect person out there who would complete me. However, I’ve come to understand that the closeness of a soulmate is something that develops over time. Through sharing laughter, facing challenges, forgiving one another, and creating memories in daily life, you evolve from being life partners into true soulmates.

Why Marriage is Different

Marriage is more than just cohabitation or signing a legal contract. It encompasses a deep commitment. It intertwines love with a promise. The legal aspect provides a safe space where you can truly be yourself, while love allows for complete vulnerability.

To be fully known and still loved within a marriage reflects the unconditional love God has for us. This kind of love gives you the freedom to be your true, vulnerable self. It also teaches us to handle each other’s weaknesses and shortcomings with kindness and understanding. Sometimes, it calls us to prioritise our partner’s well-being and joy over our own needs.

What distinguishes marriage is the promise you make before God, your family, and your community. “I will love you, remain faithful, and walk with you through every season of life.” These commitments stabilise your relationship, give it purpose, and form a bond. This bond not only endures but also strengthens as you support each other’s hopes and dreams.

The Secret to Lasting Love

Love in marriage encompasses more than just passion; it involves various layers and aspects. The initial spark unites you, intimacy develops closeness, friendship establishes deep roots, and selfless love fosters continuous growth.

Happy couples build marriages on a strong foundation of friendship. They show respect, enjoy each other’s company, and express love in the little, everyday ways. When you genuinely value one another, you cultivate a positive spirit that helps your marriage remain strong through all of life’s seasons.

Habits and Rituals are the Glue of Marriage

It’s often the little things—not grand gestures—that hold a marriage together. Habits and rituals act like the quiet glue that keeps love strong. Simple daily practices, such as asking about each other’s day, sharing a meal without distractions, or saying “thank you,” may seem insignificant, but they create a rhythm of care and connection. Over time, these moments build deep trust, emotional safety, and stability.

Rituals add another layer of strength. They can be as simple as a bedtime routine, a weekly coffee date, or even those silly inside jokes that only the two of you share. These shared practices communicate, “We belong to each other.” They remind you both of the “us” at the heart of your marriage.

In these habits and rituals, love becomes more than just a feeling—it becomes something you live out every day. They keep you close, help you navigate life’s challenges, and fill your marriage with joy and meaning.

Men and Women often experience love differently

One of the most valuable things I’ve learned over the years is that men and women often experience and show love differently. Women often long for emotional closeness. We want to be heard and understood. Men, on the other hand, usually feel most loved when we respect and appreciate them for what they do.

At the heart of it, we’re all really longing for the same thing: to feel safe and valued. Our ways of showing it—hers often through words, his often through actions—can complement each other if we take the time to notice and honour them. When we do, our love grows deeper, stronger, and more lasting.

The Heart of True Intimacy

When I was younger, people rarely discussed intimacy in marriage. Newlyweds had to navigate it on their own. However, intimacy is a vital component of building a lasting relationship. The strength of your emotional connection greatly influences intimacy in all aspects of your marriage, and the sense of security you share directly impacts the closeness you both desire.

At times, intimacy can feel stagnant, as if you’re merely going through the motions. During these moments, one partner may feel ignored or emotionally distant. However, there are also instances when intimacy deepens significantly, providing comfort and reassurance. A simple touch, a hug, or a kind word can remind you that you are valued and cared for.

The most profound intimacy occurs when partners are in sync with each other. In this harmonious space, partners experience emotional openness, tender connection, and playful closeness. They can be vulnerable, share their desires, and feel free without fear of judgment. Touch and affection become their own love language, which fosters not only physical closeness but also joy, trust, and a deeper bond.

Shared Power and Decision-Making

A strong marriage is not about one person leading and the other following. It is about walking side by side as true partners. Both voices matter, whether the decision is big or small, and taking time to really listen keeps your connection strong.

Both partners feel valued, respected, and part of the same team when they share power. It brings balance to the relationship and nurtures trust, equality, and a deep sense of “us.” That spirit of togetherness is what helps a marriage not just last, but truly grow and flourish.

Conflict in Marriage

No two people are exactly alike, and differences in personality, priorities, or expectations naturally lead to disagreements. What truly matters is how you handle conflict, not whether it occurs. Every couple manages conflict differently. Some avoid arguments at all costs, and others argue frequently. However, some couples can calmly discuss their differences and find compromises without raising their voices. The key is to find an approach that works for both partners.

One challenge to be aware of is emotional flooding. When one or both partners become emotionally overwhelmed during an argument, flooding occurs. During these moments, the brain goes into “fight, flight, or freeze” mode, resulting in feelings of anger, fear, or frustration. A partner who experiences flooding may lash out, shut down, or struggle to think clearly, which makes effective communication nearly impossible. While flooding is a natural response, couples who recognise it should take a pause. Once they have calmed down, they can return to the conversation more calmly, communicate effectively, and resolve issues without damaging their relationship.

There is no single “right” way to handle conflict. The healthiest couples respect each other’s perspectives, maintain an emotional connection, and work together to solve problems rather than compete or withdraw. Learning to navigate conflict with care strengthens trust and keeps love at the centre of your marriage.

In Conclusion

Ultimately, marriage is not a perfect fairy tale, but a journey of two people who choose each day to build together, to learn together, and to love together. When that love is anchored in God’s example, it becomes not only sustainable but also a source of joy and strength for every season of life.

Kind regards

Emsia