Letters Home

Parenting is a significant privilege, but it also comes with substantial responsibility. The way we raise our children influences not only their lives but also the generations that follow. It requires continuous wisdom, balance, and deep love as our children transition into adulthood. Our roles evolve with them.

When the parenting role begins to change

When our children were young, our role was straightforward. We provided for them, cared for them, protected them, and loved them unconditionally. Even when we disagreed, it was clear that the final decision was ours.

As our children transition into adulthood, everything changes. The parent-child relationship changes over time. It shifts from one based on authority and dependence to one characterised by companionship and guidance. Each child navigates this transition in their own unique way, and as parents, we learn to approach each one with fresh perspectives and newfound respect.

I often pray for wisdom in my role as a mother. Frequently, I feel that God answers me through books, conversations, or insights that come in unexpected forms. I share reflections from this journey—areas where I am working, growing, and for which I am deeply grateful.

Learning to let go

We must love our children enough to let them go. Although it can be difficult, our role should become smaller so they can grow into confident, responsible adults. This shift moves us from a position of control to one of empowerment. It sends the message, “I believe in you.” As adult children, they take responsibility for their finances, relationships, personal growth, and life choices.

Our role becomes one of gentle encouragement without interference. We may still serve as mentors, but only when invited. The focus should be on affirmation rather than correction, concentrating on what is already positive and beautiful. Affirmation builds identity and confidence, while criticism can tear down.

Healthy boundaries that foster growth

Healthy boundaries are not about control; they are about respect. They provide safety and clarity for both parents and children. Without clear boundaries, roles can become confusing. Children may remain reliant, and parents can feel overwhelmed. Boundaries do not dictate, “I decide for you.” Instead, they convey, “I manage my involvement, but I trust you to make your own decisions and face the consequences.” By establishing these boundaries, we foster independence, character, and inner strength in our children.

Financial responsibility and maturity

A young man once asked an older, wiser businessman, “What does it take to become financially healthy and responsible?“

The older man smiled and replied, “Two words: good decisions.”

“But how do I learn to make good decisions?” the young man asked.

The older man answered, “One word: experience.”

The young man pressed further, “But how do I gain experience?”

The older man replied, “Two words: bad decisions.”

One of the most important aspects of true adulthood is financial stewardship. We do not teach our children by funding everything for them. We educate them by gradually transferring responsibility. Open conversations about money, clear boundaries around support, and the freedom to make a few mistakes all help cultivate wisdom. Our goal is not to prevent every crisis but to equip them to stand on their own.

The new season of friendship

When we find ourselves needed less by others, it can evoke a sense of loss, and that feeling is perfectly normal. However, this phase also presents an opportunity for our personal growth. We can spend time with friends, explore new hobbies, and seek out new experiences. Self-care is not selfish; it is essential for our well-being.

It’s still important to engage in activities with our children. The relationship evolves from one of authority to one of friendship. Sharing laughter, creating new memories, and exploring new places together help us maintain a close bond.

Their world looks different from ours

Each generation perceives the world in unique ways. Today’s young adults possess values and perspectives that are distinctly different from those of earlier generations. A vastly different context shapes our children’s desires for freedom, authenticity, meaning, and flexibility, while duty, security, stability, and loyalty shaped our generation.

Young adults today believe that identity is fluid and personal. They feel that everyone has the right to define themselves in terms of faith, career, sexuality, and culture. For them, work is merely a means to achieve a meaningful, balanced life. Consequently, a job title often holds little weight. They respect integrity, competence, and credibility, and they verify information through online sources.

Digital communication is considered completely legitimate. Young adults view platforms like WhatsApp, memes, and voice notes as normal and emotionally authentic. Our generation viewed in-person interactions and spoken conversations as the only proper ways to build relationships.

Today’s young adults perceive tolerance as an essential trait of a loving person. Many see it as unloving to express disapproval regarding the religion, sexuality, or lifestyle of another person.

Just as we once wished our parents could better understand our experiences, it is now our turn to do the same. This situation calls for more listening than speaking, more curiosity than judgment, and more interest than control.

My hope for this season

May our parenting in this new season be marked by gentle wisdom, inner peace and a love that releases rather than clings.

May our children always know that we no longer try to control their path. We walk alongside them as a safe home, wise companions, and grateful witnesses to God’s work in their lives.

With love and deep gratitude

Emsia

My two older sons are at an age where many of their friends are starting to get married. Looking back, I realise now that when I first got married, I was too young and didn’t yet have the life experience or knowledge I needed. At the time, our community considered living together before marriage unacceptable.

After going through the pain of divorce, I reflected deeply on love and marriage, reading extensively and studying the subject thoroughly. I am grateful for second chances in love and life. As a wife and mother, I often reflect on the key lessons I want to pass down to my sons.

Soulmates Are Made, Not Found

When I was young, I believed that there was a perfect person out there who would complete me. However, I’ve come to understand that the closeness of a soulmate is something that develops over time. Through sharing laughter, facing challenges, forgiving one another, and creating memories in daily life, you evolve from being life partners into true soulmates.

Why Marriage is Different

Marriage is more than just cohabitation or signing a legal contract. It encompasses a deep commitment. It intertwines love with a promise. The legal aspect provides a safe space where you can truly be yourself, while love allows for complete vulnerability.

To be fully known and still loved within a marriage reflects the unconditional love God has for us. This kind of love gives you the freedom to be your true, vulnerable self. It also teaches us to handle each other’s weaknesses and shortcomings with kindness and understanding. Sometimes, it calls us to prioritise our partner’s well-being and joy over our own needs.

What distinguishes marriage is the promise you make before God, your family, and your community. “I will love you, remain faithful, and walk with you through every season of life.” These commitments stabilise your relationship, give it purpose, and form a bond. This bond not only endures but also strengthens as you support each other’s hopes and dreams.

The Secret to Lasting Love

Love in marriage encompasses more than just passion; it involves various layers and aspects. The initial spark unites you, intimacy develops closeness, friendship establishes deep roots, and selfless love fosters continuous growth.

Happy couples build marriages on a strong foundation of friendship. They show respect, enjoy each other’s company, and express love in the little, everyday ways. When you genuinely value one another, you cultivate a positive spirit that helps your marriage remain strong through all of life’s seasons.

Habits and Rituals are the Glue of Marriage

It’s often the little things—not grand gestures—that hold a marriage together. Habits and rituals act like the quiet glue that keeps love strong. Simple daily practices, such as asking about each other’s day, sharing a meal without distractions, or saying “thank you,” may seem insignificant, but they create a rhythm of care and connection. Over time, these moments build deep trust, emotional safety, and stability.

Rituals add another layer of strength. They can be as simple as a bedtime routine, a weekly coffee date, or even those silly inside jokes that only the two of you share. These shared practices communicate, “We belong to each other.” They remind you both of the “us” at the heart of your marriage.

In these habits and rituals, love becomes more than just a feeling—it becomes something you live out every day. They keep you close, help you navigate life’s challenges, and fill your marriage with joy and meaning.

Men and Women often experience love differently

One of the most valuable things I’ve learned over the years is that men and women often experience and show love differently. Women often long for emotional closeness. We want to be heard and understood. Men, on the other hand, usually feel most loved when we respect and appreciate them for what they do.

At the heart of it, we’re all really longing for the same thing: to feel safe and valued. Our ways of showing it—hers often through words, his often through actions—can complement each other if we take the time to notice and honour them. When we do, our love grows deeper, stronger, and more lasting.

The Heart of True Intimacy

When I was younger, people rarely discussed intimacy in marriage. Newlyweds had to navigate it on their own. However, intimacy is a vital component of building a lasting relationship. The strength of your emotional connection greatly influences intimacy in all aspects of your marriage, and the sense of security you share directly impacts the closeness you both desire.

At times, intimacy can feel stagnant, as if you’re merely going through the motions. During these moments, one partner may feel ignored or emotionally distant. However, there are also instances when intimacy deepens significantly, providing comfort and reassurance. A simple touch, a hug, or a kind word can remind you that you are valued and cared for.

The most profound intimacy occurs when partners are in sync with each other. In this harmonious space, partners experience emotional openness, tender connection, and playful closeness. They can be vulnerable, share their desires, and feel free without fear of judgment. Touch and affection become their own love language, which fosters not only physical closeness but also joy, trust, and a deeper bond.

Shared Power and Decision-Making

A strong marriage is not about one person leading and the other following. It is about walking side by side as true partners. Both voices matter, whether the decision is big or small, and taking time to really listen keeps your connection strong.

Both partners feel valued, respected, and part of the same team when they share power. It brings balance to the relationship and nurtures trust, equality, and a deep sense of “us.” That spirit of togetherness is what helps a marriage not just last, but truly grow and flourish.

Conflict in Marriage

No two people are exactly alike, and differences in personality, priorities, or expectations naturally lead to disagreements. What truly matters is how you handle conflict, not whether it occurs. Every couple manages conflict differently. Some avoid arguments at all costs, and others argue frequently. However, some couples can calmly discuss their differences and find compromises without raising their voices. The key is to find an approach that works for both partners.

One challenge to be aware of is emotional flooding. When one or both partners become emotionally overwhelmed during an argument, flooding occurs. During these moments, the brain goes into “fight, flight, or freeze” mode, resulting in feelings of anger, fear, or frustration. A partner who experiences flooding may lash out, shut down, or struggle to think clearly, which makes effective communication nearly impossible. While flooding is a natural response, couples who recognise it should take a pause. Once they have calmed down, they can return to the conversation more calmly, communicate effectively, and resolve issues without damaging their relationship.

There is no single “right” way to handle conflict. The healthiest couples respect each other’s perspectives, maintain an emotional connection, and work together to solve problems rather than compete or withdraw. Learning to navigate conflict with care strengthens trust and keeps love at the centre of your marriage.

In Conclusion

Ultimately, marriage is not a perfect fairy tale, but a journey of two people who choose each day to build together, to learn together, and to love together. When that love is anchored in God’s example, it becomes not only sustainable but also a source of joy and strength for every season of life.

Kind regards

Emsia

As a mom who has guided two teenagers into young adulthood, one might assume I would be better prepared for Zanders’ request. However, his suggestion to address a need to stretch himself still caught me off guard. I needed to evaluate my 15-year-old son’s needs objectively. It was helpful to reflect on my adult sons` needs, actions and development when they were around the same age.

Jacques

The first request of my eldest son that caught me off guard came during his grade 11 year. Jacques wanted to go on a teenage holiday with his best friend and peers. The plan involved his friend’s older brother, a student, driving them 400km to Hartenbos. It was a situation I hadn’t encountered before, and my mind raced with concerns about potential risks. I made a quick decision and said no.

The friend’s mom drew on her expertise as a psychologist and reassured me in a message. She acknowledged that it is common for parents to feel and react this way, especially with their oldest child. She assured me that all the young people involved were responsible and that they could benefit by taking steps toward independence. I still remember her comment that a mother’s perspective and approach to such situations often evolve when dealing with a second and third child.

However, before making a final decision, I needed to step back and apply my analytical approach. My request marked Jacques’ first significant lesson in understanding the concept of risks and the importance of implementing control measures. I asked him to compile a list of all the concerns I might have regarding his proposed trip. Additionally, for each risk identified, he was tasked with suggesting measures that would alleviate my worries. To my surprise, Jacques put considerable effort into my request and generated solutions for potential concerns beyond what I had anticipated.

In addition to enjoying a memorable holiday, Jacques unexpectedly benefited from his efforts in a completely different manner. A question on the English Grade 12 final exam paper required students to write a letter of motivation persuading parents to permit them to go on a Grade 12 holiday with friends.

Christo

Christo had a bustling social calendar, and ferrying him around became a regular task. In a bid for independence, he proposed a motorcycle, which ended up causing me premature ageing. One night, when he failed to return home on time, my mind raced with visions of a potential accident.

My anxiety kept Charl awake as well. Sensing my distress, he offered to help me contact the emergency units of various hospitals. The first hospital we reached had just admitted a casualty from a motorcycle accident. However, upon learning that the patient spoke English, I realised it was not Christo. It took a lot of self-control to wait till the following day before I was in a better emotional state to share my experience and perspective of the situation with him.

During his grade 11 year, Christo wanted to participate in an outreach program to Zambia. Africa scared me, but the fact that it was a school-organized trip gave me more comfort. It proved to be an incredible opportunity to broaden his perspective on the world.

While there, the young participants stayed with Zambian families, immersing themselves in the local culture. Christo recounted stories of joining the family’s children in catching a chicken for dinner, plucking it, and adding it to the pot. Despite having limited resources, the Zambian hosts treated their visitors with the utmost hospitality. They offered them the meat while they consumed only maize porridge with the meat sauce. This experience deeply touched my teenage son’s compassionate heart.

Zander

Zander wanted to participate in an exchange program offered through the Round Square organization at his school. The arrangement enabled a student from another country to stay with us for six weeks, attending school alongside Zander. Subsequently, Zander reciprocates the visit, spending six weeks in the student’s home country, attending their school. Since Zander yearned for the ocean, he was thrilled when the exchange matched him with a student his age from Perth, allowing him to attend a school near the coast.

The idea of sending my 15-year-old son alone on a plane to Australia to live with strangers for six weeks was daunting. We promptly arranged an online meeting with the family to ease my apprehension. Following our virtual encounter, I felt significantly reassured. There was an immediate connection, and their way of life felt familiar.

We are eagerly anticipating Campbell’s arrival in Zurich just after the Easter weekend. He is excited to experience snow for the first time and wants to practice his French, which he is taking as an Additional Language in school. We have promised to take him to the Alps to experience snow and to visit a French-speaking area in Switzerland. Campbell was thrilled to learn we had booked train tickets for a long weekend trip to Paris.

Scotch College, Perth

Zander and Campbell will fly to Perth together in May. Zander will be attending Scotch College Boys’ School along with Campbell. He will wear the school uniform and join the Chapel service once a week. Additionally, Zander will participate in the hall assembly on Fridays, witnessing the boys marching in house groups to the tunes of the College Pipe Band. Renowned for its excellence, the College Pipe Band frequently performs at International Tattoos.

In addition, Zander will participate in the school’s mandatory sports and community service programs. The latter offers students a chance to express their Christian values in a tangible way in practice. Scotch College works with various organisations, including, among others, Disabled Surfing, Second Bite (which redistributes food), Salvation Army, and People Who Care.

Letting our children go is an act of love

I am happy that my children are challenging themselves. In the process, they also challenge me and help me to grow and discover the world through their experiences.

Our challenge, as parents, is to recognise that holding on may feel comforting. Letting our children go and allowing them to grow and flourish is a profound act of love. We must support and celebrate their increasing independence. When they are confident in their ability to stand on their own feet, they will return, and we will have an enduring bond of loving interdependence that lasts a lifetime.

Regards

Emsia