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A mom’s perspective on love and marriage

A mom’s perspective on love and marriage

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My two older sons are at an age where many of their friends are starting to get married. Looking back, I realise now that when I first got married, I was too young and didn’t yet have the life experience or knowledge I needed. At the time, our community considered living together before marriage unacceptable.

After going through the pain of divorce, I reflected deeply on love and marriage, reading extensively and studying the subject thoroughly. I am grateful for second chances in love and life. As a wife and mother, I often reflect on the key lessons I want to pass down to my sons.

Soulmates Are Made, Not Found

When I was young, I believed that there was a perfect person out there who would complete me. However, I’ve come to understand that the closeness of a soulmate is something that develops over time. Through sharing laughter, facing challenges, forgiving one another, and creating memories in daily life, you evolve from being life partners into true soulmates.

Why Marriage is Different

Marriage is more than just cohabitation or signing a legal contract. It encompasses a deep commitment. It intertwines love with a promise. The legal aspect provides a safe space where you can truly be yourself, while love allows for complete vulnerability.

To be fully known and still loved within a marriage reflects the unconditional love God has for us. This kind of love gives you the freedom to be your true, vulnerable self. It also teaches us to handle each other’s weaknesses and shortcomings with kindness and understanding. Sometimes, it calls us to prioritise our partner’s well-being and joy over our own needs.

What distinguishes marriage is the promise you make before God, your family, and your community. “I will love you, remain faithful, and walk with you through every season of life.” These commitments stabilise your relationship, give it purpose, and form a bond. This bond not only endures but also strengthens as you support each other’s hopes and dreams.

The Secret to Lasting Love

Love in marriage encompasses more than just passion; it involves various layers and aspects. The initial spark unites you, intimacy develops closeness, friendship establishes deep roots, and selfless love fosters continuous growth.

Happy couples build marriages on a strong foundation of friendship. They show respect, enjoy each other’s company, and express love in the little, everyday ways. When you genuinely value one another, you cultivate a positive spirit that helps your marriage remain strong through all of life’s seasons.

Habits and Rituals are the Glue of Marriage

It’s often the little things—not grand gestures—that hold a marriage together. Habits and rituals act like the quiet glue that keeps love strong. Simple daily practices, such as asking about each other’s day, sharing a meal without distractions, or saying “thank you,” may seem insignificant, but they create a rhythm of care and connection. Over time, these moments build deep trust, emotional safety, and stability.

Rituals add another layer of strength. They can be as simple as a bedtime routine, a weekly coffee date, or even those silly inside jokes that only the two of you share. These shared practices communicate, “We belong to each other.” They remind you both of the “us” at the heart of your marriage.

In these habits and rituals, love becomes more than just a feeling—it becomes something you live out every day. They keep you close, help you navigate life’s challenges, and fill your marriage with joy and meaning.

Men and Women often experience love differently

One of the most valuable things I’ve learned over the years is that men and women often experience and show love differently. Women often long for emotional closeness. We want to be heard and understood. Men, on the other hand, usually feel most loved when we respect and appreciate them for what they do.

At the heart of it, we’re all really longing for the same thing: to feel safe and valued. Our ways of showing it—hers often through words, his often through actions—can complement each other if we take the time to notice and honour them. When we do, our love grows deeper, stronger, and more lasting.

The Heart of True Intimacy

When I was younger, people rarely discussed intimacy in marriage. Newlyweds had to navigate it on their own. However, intimacy is a vital component of building a lasting relationship. The strength of your emotional connection greatly influences intimacy in all aspects of your marriage, and the sense of security you share directly impacts the closeness you both desire.

At times, intimacy can feel stagnant, as if you’re merely going through the motions. During these moments, one partner may feel ignored or emotionally distant. However, there are also instances when intimacy deepens significantly, providing comfort and reassurance. A simple touch, a hug, or a kind word can remind you that you are valued and cared for.

The most profound intimacy occurs when partners are in sync with each other. In this harmonious space, partners experience emotional openness, tender connection, and playful closeness. They can be vulnerable, share their desires, and feel free without fear of judgment. Touch and affection become their own love language, which fosters not only physical closeness but also joy, trust, and a deeper bond.

Shared Power and Decision-Making

A strong marriage is not about one person leading and the other following. It is about walking side by side as true partners. Both voices matter, whether the decision is big or small, and taking time to really listen keeps your connection strong.

Both partners feel valued, respected, and part of the same team when they share power. It brings balance to the relationship and nurtures trust, equality, and a deep sense of “us.” That spirit of togetherness is what helps a marriage not just last, but truly grow and flourish.

Conflict in Marriage

No two people are exactly alike, and differences in personality, priorities, or expectations naturally lead to disagreements. What truly matters is how you handle conflict, not whether it occurs. Every couple manages conflict differently. Some avoid arguments at all costs, and others argue frequently. However, some couples can calmly discuss their differences and find compromises without raising their voices. The key is to find an approach that works for both partners.

One challenge to be aware of is emotional flooding. When one or both partners become emotionally overwhelmed during an argument, flooding occurs. During these moments, the brain goes into “fight, flight, or freeze” mode, resulting in feelings of anger, fear, or frustration. A partner who experiences flooding may lash out, shut down, or struggle to think clearly, which makes effective communication nearly impossible. While flooding is a natural response, couples who recognise it should take a pause. Once they have calmed down, they can return to the conversation more calmly, communicate effectively, and resolve issues without damaging their relationship.

There is no single “right” way to handle conflict. The healthiest couples respect each other’s perspectives, maintain an emotional connection, and work together to solve problems rather than compete or withdraw. Learning to navigate conflict with care strengthens trust and keeps love at the centre of your marriage.

In Conclusion

Ultimately, marriage is not a perfect fairy tale, but a journey of two people who choose each day to build together, to learn together, and to love together. When that love is anchored in God’s example, it becomes not only sustainable but also a source of joy and strength for every season of life.

Kind regards

Emsia

Raising resilient and responsible adults

Raising resilient and responsible adults

Young children often enjoy answering questions about their age. My son Christo never responded with his current age. Instead, he would say, “I am busy turning 6 or 7.” My boys have always been eager to take charge of their lives. Now that my eldest two have reached the age where they can care for themselves, they reflect on how carefree childhood was. This reflection tells me that they are now confronting the responsibilities and challenges of adulthood.

As a mother, I now watch from a distance as each of my children navigates adulthood. Zander, now “busy turning 17,” once observed my worries during his older siblings’ teenage years. When he was just seven years old, he offered me his childlike wisdom: “Mom, teenagers are like cats—they always come home to eat,” and “Mom, if you are worried, it helps to keep yourself busy.”

Now, Zander is that teenager. His bedroom door is closed and his schedule is packed, but at least he still comes home to eat. Our time with him and our opportunities to prepare him for adulthood are slipping away. I try to apply the lessons I learned from parenting my older two, striving to support him intentionally while giving him the space he needs to grow and discover life on his own.

How should we prepare our children, and for what purpose?

As parents, we must equip our children with the skills, mindset, and values to navigate an ever-changing world with confidence and resilience. Reflecting on the fact that we are constantly setting an example in these areas reminds me of the profound responsibility that comes with parenthood.

Relationship with God, Self, and Others

It is important to me that my children develop a personal relationship with God. I am acutely aware of how unique each child’s faith journey is. My role has been to plant the seeds of faith, nurture their curiosity, and trust that God will strengthen their relationship with Him in His perfect timing. As a family, we often recognise and share moments of God’s presence in nature and through life’s small blessings. I cherish every photo they send me of Creation’s beauty, reminding us of His handiwork.

Our children need to take the time to understand themselves and learn how to identify, manage, and healthily express their emotions. At the same time, we all must practice listening with empathy, respecting different perspectives, and trying to understand others. Our children closely observe our actions and behaviours while navigating their relationships.

Open conversations with them are essential, but finding the right moments can be challenging, especially during the teenage years. When we lived in South Africa, I drove my boys to school, which gave us valuable time to talk. Zander takes the train to school, so I must find new ways to connect with him. We eat together, and I often invite him for gelato by the lake to spend quality time together.

Critical Thinking, Problem-Solving, and Life Skills

As parents, we play a crucial role in teaching our children problem-solving skills. However, they can only truly learn and build confidence by facing challenges.

I used to jump in immediately to help my children through their struggles, eager to solve their problems alongside them. But when we moved to Switzerland, I believe my Creator intentionally placed me on the other side of the world so I could learn to step back. I had to practice listening from a distance and offering advice only when they asked.

It’s also important not to be limited by traditional gender roles. Before I started working, my dad taught me how to change a car tyre. I had to practice it until he was confident, I could handle it. Similarly, my boys have been baking cookies and preparing meals together since they were little. One of them has even turned his passion for baking into a business.

Financial responsibility was another key lesson I wanted to instil in my children. During their student years, we created a budget together at the beginning of each year. Whenever unexpected expenses arose, we would discuss how to address them as a team. They had to find ways to earn money to keep their finances afloat. I watched them learn to manage their finances, make thoughtful adjustments, and support each other as friends when necessary.

Adaptability in an Ever-Changing World

We must equip our children with the skills to navigate an unpredictable world and face life’s challenges. No one knows what the future holds, and difficulties often arise unexpectedly. Our goal is to teach them to be flexible and to adapt without breaking.

To achieve this, we should help them view failures as learning opportunities and emphasise their effort, perseverance, and problem-solving skills rather than just their successes. By leading by example, we can approach challenges with curiosity rather than fear.

Since children learn best through experience, we must provide opportunities that push them beyond their comfort zones. For instance, I was terrified when Zander, at 15, wanted to spend six weeks in Australia on an exchange program. However, I had to learn that letting go is part of parenting. The personal growth we witnessed in him was incredible.

The way we perceive and discuss change influences our children. If we embrace change as a natural part of life, they will learn to do the same, realising that change can lead to growth and new opportunities for both them and us.

I am learning from my children now

As our children mature into adulthood, our relationship transforms into one of mutual learning and inspiration. We no longer guide them; they teach us as well. I am grateful for this shift because, as we age, it becomes increasingly challenging to keep up with the rapid pace of change in the world.

We continue to learn from each other’s perspectives and support one another through challenges. They inspire me in unexpected and different ways.

Regards, 

Emsia

Letting go is part of parenting

Letting go is part of parenting

As a mom who has guided two teenagers into young adulthood, one might assume I would be better prepared for Zanders’ request. However, his suggestion to address a need to stretch himself still caught me off guard. I needed to evaluate my 15-year-old son’s needs objectively. It was helpful to reflect on my adult sons` needs, actions and development when they were around the same age.

Jacques

The first request of my eldest son that caught me off guard came during his grade 11 year. Jacques wanted to go on a teenage holiday with his best friend and peers. The plan involved his friend’s older brother, a student, driving them 400km to Hartenbos. It was a situation I hadn’t encountered before, and my mind raced with concerns about potential risks. I made a quick decision and said no.

The friend’s mom drew on her expertise as a psychologist and reassured me in a message. She acknowledged that it is common for parents to feel and react this way, especially with their oldest child. She assured me that all the young people involved were responsible and that they could benefit by taking steps toward independence. I still remember her comment that a mother’s perspective and approach to such situations often evolve when dealing with a second and third child.

However, before making a final decision, I needed to step back and apply my analytical approach. My request marked Jacques’ first significant lesson in understanding the concept of risks and the importance of implementing control measures. I asked him to compile a list of all the concerns I might have regarding his proposed trip. Additionally, for each risk identified, he was tasked with suggesting measures that would alleviate my worries. To my surprise, Jacques put considerable effort into my request and generated solutions for potential concerns beyond what I had anticipated.

In addition to enjoying a memorable holiday, Jacques unexpectedly benefited from his efforts in a completely different manner. A question on the English Grade 12 final exam paper required students to write a letter of motivation persuading parents to permit them to go on a Grade 12 holiday with friends.

Christo

Christo had a bustling social calendar, and ferrying him around became a regular task. In a bid for independence, he proposed a motorcycle, which ended up causing me premature ageing. One night, when he failed to return home on time, my mind raced with visions of a potential accident.

My anxiety kept Charl awake as well. Sensing my distress, he offered to help me contact the emergency units of various hospitals. The first hospital we reached had just admitted a casualty from a motorcycle accident. However, upon learning that the patient spoke English, I realised it was not Christo. It took a lot of self-control to wait till the following day before I was in a better emotional state to share my experience and perspective of the situation with him.

During his grade 11 year, Christo wanted to participate in an outreach program to Zambia. Africa scared me, but the fact that it was a school-organized trip gave me more comfort. It proved to be an incredible opportunity to broaden his perspective on the world.

While there, the young participants stayed with Zambian families, immersing themselves in the local culture. Christo recounted stories of joining the family’s children in catching a chicken for dinner, plucking it, and adding it to the pot. Despite having limited resources, the Zambian hosts treated their visitors with the utmost hospitality. They offered them the meat while they consumed only maize porridge with the meat sauce. This experience deeply touched my teenage son’s compassionate heart.

Zander

Zander wanted to participate in an exchange program offered through the Round Square organization at his school. The arrangement enabled a student from another country to stay with us for six weeks, attending school alongside Zander. Subsequently, Zander reciprocates the visit, spending six weeks in the student’s home country, attending their school. Since Zander yearned for the ocean, he was thrilled when the exchange matched him with a student his age from Perth, allowing him to attend a school near the coast.

The idea of sending my 15-year-old son alone on a plane to Australia to live with strangers for six weeks was daunting. We promptly arranged an online meeting with the family to ease my apprehension. Following our virtual encounter, I felt significantly reassured. There was an immediate connection, and their way of life felt familiar.

We are eagerly anticipating Campbell’s arrival in Zurich just after the Easter weekend. He is excited to experience snow for the first time and wants to practice his French, which he is taking as an Additional Language in school. We have promised to take him to the Alps to experience snow and to visit a French-speaking area in Switzerland. Campbell was thrilled to learn we had booked train tickets for a long weekend trip to Paris.

Scotch College, Perth

Zander and Campbell will fly to Perth together in May. Zander will be attending Scotch College Boys’ School along with Campbell. He will wear the school uniform and join the Chapel service once a week. Additionally, Zander will participate in the hall assembly on Fridays, witnessing the boys marching in house groups to the tunes of the College Pipe Band. Renowned for its excellence, the College Pipe Band frequently performs at International Tattoos.

In addition, Zander will participate in the school’s mandatory sports and community service programs. The latter offers students a chance to express their Christian values in a tangible way in practice. Scotch College works with various organisations, including, among others, Disabled Surfing, Second Bite (which redistributes food), Salvation Army, and People Who Care.

Letting our children go is an act of love

I am happy that my children are challenging themselves. In the process, they also challenge me and help me to grow and discover the world through their experiences.

Our challenge, as parents, is to recognise that holding on may feel comforting. Letting our children go and allowing them to grow and flourish is a profound act of love. We must support and celebrate their increasing independence. When they are confident in their ability to stand on their own feet, they will return, and we will have an enduring bond of loving interdependence that lasts a lifetime.

Regards

Emsia