Letters Home

We moved to a new country shortly before my 50th birthday. Two of my sons had to stay behind in South Africa to continue their studies. My youngest son and husband had to adjust to a new school and work environment in a foreign country. I also had to adapt to many changes, including an almost empty nest. At least I could talk about this.

However, I found it much more difficult to talk about what was happening inside my own body. I was entering menopause, and it felt as if I were living in someone else’s skin.

That’s why I have decided to speak openly about a topic and a phase of life that I believe too many women are unprepared for. This topic is menopause, how we experience it and the often-overlooked risk of dependency that can accompany it.

The Overlooked Storm of Midlife

This stage of life often coincides with other stress-inducing transitions. Children leaving home can trigger feelings of loss and emptiness. At the same time, our ageing parents may become ill or increasingly dependent on us. This adds another layer of emotional responsibility. Additionally, our partners may be approaching retirement, and financial uncertainty can heighten anxiety, particularly with questions like, “What will we do with our time?” and “Where will we retire?”

Menopause brings a wide range of physical and emotional symptoms. I expected hot flashes, night sweats, sleep disturbances, and mood swings. However, I was unprepared for the depression, anxiety, and overwhelming sense of purposelessness that followed. The physical changes also took me by surprise. Stubborn belly fat, vaginal and skin dryness, and constant body aches left me feeling disconnected from my own body.

We often speak openly about adolescence and the effects of hormones on teenagers. Yet, we rarely acknowledge the significant hormonal shifts that women experience during menopause, and the emotional toll that it can take.

The Hidden Risk of Midlife Coping Mechanisms

During this life phase, many women face a significant and often overlooked risk. There is a growing reliance on substances and behaviours that provide only temporary relief. They include alcohol, painkillers, and other substances, as well as habits like excessive social media use or compulsive shopping.

Alcohol is normalised and ingrained in our social culture. It is easy to develop a use pattern without recognising the associated dangers. Social pressure often encourages drinking and using other substances. More options are available, so many seek comfort in them. This dependence can be detrimental to some women, consciously or not.

Among older women, the harmful effects of these substances are frequently overlooked or misdiagnosed as conditions like depression or even dementia. Shame or denial can prevent women from seeking help, which only exacerbates the issue.

It’s essential to understand that women metabolise alcohol differently than men, making them more vulnerable to long-term damage, such as liver harm and cognitive decline. Research indicates that alcohol consumption during menopause can worsen symptoms and increase the risk of serious health issues like heart disease and osteoporosis.

How the Brain Turns Pleasure into Craving

I found it fascinating to learn that the brain processes all forms of pleasure in the same way, whether from a drink, a financial reward, a sexual experience, or a delicious meal. In each case, the brain releases a neurotransmitter called dopamine into an area known as the brain’s pleasure centre.

The likelihood that a substance or activity will lead to a problematic relationship depends on three factors: how quickly it triggers dopamine release, how intense that release is, and how consistently it occurs. Even how a person takes a substance, resulting in how quickly it enters the bloodstream, can affect its potential for addiction.

The Role of Dopamine

Dopamine does more than create feelings of pleasure; it also plays a crucial role in learning and memory. These functions can transform something you enjoy into something you crave, prompting you to seek it out.

Over time, the brain adjusts to repeated dopamine surges. This adaptation leads to tolerance, meaning that the same substance or activity no longer produces the same level of pleasure. People often find that what once gave them a satisfying “high” now feels dull unless they increase the amount or frequency.

Even after someone has ended their relationship with a substance or behaviour, the craving for the pleasure it once provided can remain, sometimes for years.

We need to support each other

It’s essential that we, as women, support one another during this phase of life. Simply talking to someone who truly listens can make a world of difference. A few kind words or encouraging messages can mean everything, especially when someone feels low, has lost interest in activities they once enjoyed, or is struggling with self-esteem.

We should reach out to other women, invite them to join us in activities or help them connect with others. These small gestures create opportunities for joy, confidence, and connection.

I will always be grateful to the women who reached out to me when I needed it most. Through their support, I’ve built beautiful new friendships that enrich my life.

Kind regards

Emsia

The Orange River, the longest river in South Africa, weaves through our family’s history like a golden thread. My parents grew up along its banks, where they also met. My father, Christo, was raised in Upington, while my mother, Lenie, grew up in Kanoneiland. Many of our relatives still farm along the river today. During a recent visit, the breathtaking sunsets reminded me just how fitting the name “Orange River” truly is.

My grandfather was one of the early settlers of Kanoneiland

My grandfather, Barend Engelbrecht, was one of the early settlers of Kanoneiland, the largest island in the Orange River. Thanks to its fertile soil and abundant water, Kanoneiland became a thriving irrigation area. He settled there during the Depression years. They built the first bridge in 1940. Before then, the island’s earliest inhabitants arrived at their new home by raft, boat, and floating bridges.

The Orange River is not safe for swimming

We enjoy visiting the Orange River as a family.

On one of those trips, the water level was low, and my eldest son, Jacques, and I decided to swim to the opposite bank of the river despite my mother’s warnings. We noticed a sandbank among the reeds where we planned to rest before swimming back.

However, as we approached the sandbank, we encountered a family of monitor lizards waiting for us. Alarmed, we quickly turned around and tried to swim back upstream. I struggled to make it, and Jacques had to help me out of the river. Another danger of the Orange River is the presence of hazardous whirlpools that can pull you in. Many people have drowned because of these.

The Orange River both gives and takes away

The Orange River is often prone to flooding, and during these times, the Augrabies Falls become a magnificent sight.

However, flooding can cause significant damage to established fields. My Aunt Barry shared many stories about how they lost their vineyards and belongings to flood damage several times during the 1960s and 1970s. On several occasions, a helicopter rescued them, and they had to stay in a warehouse until the water levels went down. Due to the impact of the floods, they had to start over from scratch three times.

My cousin and her family operate a farm that produces fruits and vegetables for Europe, located near the Augrabies Falls. Tragically, at the end of 2021, their young adult son drowned in the Orange River during a flood.

Family Outings Along the Orange River

As a family, we have cherished memories of our outings along the banks of the Orange River. Ten years ago, we celebrated my mother’s 70th birthday in Keimoes, a place of significance as she completed her final years of school there.

Upington Riverbank Lodge

It was only fitting to celebrate my mother’s 80th birthday with family along the Orange River during Easter weekend. We stayed at the Riverbank Lodge in Upington. Every evening, we enjoyed braais and made potjiekos by the river while watching the sun set in golden hues.

The lodge featured a swimming pool and a beautiful lawn where the cousins played with a ball, often under the watchful eyes of monkeys in the trees.

In the morning, we greeted the new day during sunrise on the long stoep with a cup of coffee and rusks. We also ended the day on the stoep, enjoying rooibos tea paired with Swiss chocolate.

My mother and I shared a room, and the alone time with her was the most precious experience. We would lie in bed and talk late into the night, often giggling like teenagers as we reminisced about events from the past.

African Vineyard Hotel in Kanoneiland

The African Vineyard Hotel was the perfect place to celebrate my mom’s 80th birthday in Kanoneiland, where she spent her childhood. The hotel set up a long table underneath a grape arbour, reminiscent of her early years. We decorated the table with golden yellow tablecloths, vibrant flowers, Porchie napkins, and Lindt chocolate.

The food was delicious, and the cutlery was stylish. It created a wonderful atmosphere for our family to share stories around the long table. Our young adult children had the opportunity to reconnect and get to know each other better. They fully took advantage of the beautiful venue to capture stunning family photos.

Contentment

With a heart full of love and a mind full of memories, we boarded the plane in Upington to begin our journey back to Switzerland. As we ascended, Zander and I gazed down for one last time, watching the Orange River snake its way across the land as it made its timeless journey to the sea.

Regards

Emsia

Nothing is ever truly certain. Despite this, I can usually greet each new day with joy. However, sometimes, the uncertainty of personal or global circumstances weighs me down. When I feel overwhelmed, I often encounter situations or receive words of encouragement from unusual places or people. I see it as messages from Above, delivered in different ways. They bring light to my life.

Words that brought peace

One cold winter morning, I sat on the train, lost in my troublesome thoughts, when my eye caught graffiti on a construction site. The words, written in German, made me pause. Slowly, I read them, trying to understand, “Ich leg Mein Leben nur in Gottes Hand.” – “I put my life only in God’s hands”

It struck me that someone had written this — illegally, no less — in life-sized letters for every passing train passenger to see. I wondered who else, like me, had found comfort in those red spray-painted words.

I have discovered that reading Bible verses or passages in various languages can be surprisingly helpful. Every language conveys ideas differently, offering new perspectives and often enhancing my understanding.

Words of recognition from a stranger

Later that same day, I took the train back home. As I boarded, I noticed my German friend sitting with another friend, and they warmly invited me to join them. We had a wonderful conversation and discovered that my friend’s mother, like mine, would soon be celebrating her 80th birthday. I shared how we had put together a book for my mother that contained stories and anecdotes spanning over 80 years.

Near the end of the journey, a woman around our age, whom I didn’t know, stood up to leave. Just before stepping off the train, she pressed a small white piece of paper into my hand. Confusion washed over me; I assumed she was asking for help. Carefully, I started reading the handwritten message.

The message

Dear Stranger

Sorry for eavesdropping, but I wanted to let you know that I loved your idea to ask friends and family to share stories about your mom and turn it into a book. You inspired me! I did something similar, showing my mom how rich her life (90 years) was by collecting photos of the last 50 years (my age) and turned them into a book called “Happy Moments.”

I managed to thank her quickly before she left the train, but I wished I had her name and number to make contact for a proper conversation. My German friend assumed I knew the woman and wondered why I had not invited her to join us. She was even more surprised when she learned the note was from a stranger. “This doesn’t happen in Switzerland!” she remarked, reflecting on how private people’s lives often are.

The woman’s note truly brightened my day. There’s a saying, “Kindness is igniting a light in someone else for no reason other than to watch them glow.” The woman was both brave and kind. I believe that her impulsive gesture not only helped others but also made her feel good. I’ve read that small acts of kindness can brighten others’ lives and increase the giver’s serotonin, which is the hormone that contributes to feelings of happiness.

Invitation to make people feel Included

A few years ago, I reconnected with my high school math teacher. We had not seen each other in many years. During a visit to Kathu, she invited my mom and me to join a group of locals at her farm to sing Christmas carols. She treated us to a delicious home-cooked meal and shared inspiring words.

Since then, she has made it a priority to visit my mom whenever she is in town. Having lost her husband a few years ago, she understands what it feels like to be alone. She often invites my mother to the farm to sing along with others and even arranges transportation for her. It is her way of spreading joy and sharing love, ensuring that others feel seen and included.

Give help where it will make a difference

These days, technology allows many people to invest and trade online. Given the world’s unpredictable state, the markets can be volatile. Sometimes, investors win, and other times, they lose. My eldest son finds online trading particularly interesting and has helped me through his journey to become more informed about what is happening in the financial markets.

At one point before the American election, things were going well with his investments, and he made a good profit. Grateful for his success, he shared part of his earnings with people he believed needed it. I know he, for example, gave money to the local gas station attendant and a security guard. When I asked him about it, he explained, “Mom, I believe money should flow. I give it with love and find joy in seeing someone’s face light up with surprise.”

It is easy to brighten someone’s day

Each of us can brighten someone else’s day. We all possess unique gifts and opportunities to make a difference. Sometimes, it takes a little courage to step outside our comfort zones. The delight of watching someone’s expression shift to one of astonishment makes it all worthwhile.

It doesn’t always require grand gestures. Even a simple call, message, or visit can brighten someone’s day more than we realise. God sends messages through people and nature to brighten our days and lives.

Kind regards

Emsia

The long, cold winter months have encouraged us to pursue hobbies and personal projects. These activities offer an excellent escape when work pressures or the monotony of daily routines become overwhelming.

In South Africa, Charl always had a house or garden renovation project that filled the weekends with positive energy. Now, in Switzerland, where physical space is limited, he has turned to Lego. His office is already filled with various building projects, sparking interesting conversations.

What is a personal project?

A personal project focuses on satisfying your curiosity and deepening your understanding of a topic rather than solely on the final output. They emphasise exploration and enjoyment rather than the pursuit of fame. This approach allows experimentation, creativity, and growth without the pressure to impress anyone.

A personal project can be anything that allows you to express your ideas or interests, and the time it takes can vary greatly depending on the project. Some projects may even span several years!

Zander’s Grade 10 personal project

At Zander’s school, students had to complete a personal project in their Grade 10 year. They could choose any topic that aligned with their interests. The goal was to learn more about a subject that intrigued them. They had to deliver a product that demonstrated their newfound knowledge. Students had to maintain a detailed journal of their planning and progress. A report at the end of the project had to serve as a basis for their assessment.

Zander created a braille keyboard to enable blind individuals to use computers. He had to learn about braille and how to design the keyboard buttons on a software application before printing them on a 3D printer at school. This project expanded his technical skills and taught him the importance of project planning and the value of input from others.

There were challenges along the way, but the satisfaction on his face when he finally demonstrated the working keyboard made all the time and effort worthwhile.

My projects

My mom used to make our clothes and passed on some of her sewing skills to me as a young girl. I still remember my frustration and occasional outbursts when she made me unstitch incorrect seams. There was a valuable life lesson in that experience: the sooner you fix a mistake or solve a problem, the less impact it will have.

My projects often included designing and producing clothes during school and university vacations. I tackled making prince and soldier outfits for my young sons’ Cinderella school performance. It required long nights and hard work, especially when I had to unstitch many seams. Despite the challenges, it was immensely satisfying to create something from scratch.

Here in Switzerland, I started writing as a form of therapy. My first personal project was collecting my writings about our experiences in Switzerland into a blog. I had to learn a lot about the technology and processes. The project still brings me joy and is a valuable platform to stay in touch with friends and family.

It also allows me to pursue my passion for photography. After five years, I published my writings in an e-book with photos on Amazon. This initiative has brought new challenges and learning experiences. With personal projects, the true satisfaction lies in the creation process rather than the outcome.

Family members’ projects

My dad had a passion for cars and mechanics. He once bought an old car and renovated it mechanically and visually. My sister and I often helped with his projects, enjoying the progress as it unfolded. As toddlers, he built us a swing as one of his projects, which still stands in my mom’s garden. Although he died before meeting his grandchildren, they could enjoy the benefits of his handiwork.

My son Christo made garden furniture from wooden pallets while still in school. His technical drawing class helped him in the process. For his 18th birthday celebration, he arranged the furniture in our garden, and the lights strung in the trees created a festive atmosphere.

As a student, my son Jacques helped entrepreneurs with their marketing by taking photos and creating social media videos. He made good friends and learned a lot in the process. His skills became valuable when he started his business, a bakery with the name The Cinnamon Club.

Benefits of hobbies and personal projects

I have benefited from taking on hobbies and personal projects. I have learned new things and discovered more about myself. It provided a meaningful focus that enhanced my mental well-being during the European winter months. Often, the skills I gained became valuable in future situations. I have made new friends by connecting with others sharing similar interests and passions.

Completing a project, especially where I stretch myself or collaborate with others, brings immense satisfaction and boosts my confidence. The sense of achievement when I reach my desired outcome is rewarding.

I would love to hear about any hobbies or projects that have brought you joy and fulfilment.

Regards

Emsia